Monday, September 26, 2011

Games That Cause Pain!

I feel that while I enjoy talking about good games (and who doesn't like talking about anything good?) there are some REAL stinkers that get past my better judgement as well. Either it was at a deep discount cause it showed up during a launch of a higher profile AAA title or it jut recieved no press at all or it was a gift from somebody...I have endured my fair share of craptastic games.

"Games That Cause Pain!"  will highlight the lowlights of my gaming experience. From videogames to tabletop and beyond if it was crap it'll be here. And to kick off this new topic let's start with a game I loath playing and wish it would die. But, dammit I'm going to eventually finish it.

Oh dear god this sucks! And shame on Bethesda for publishing this game. Hunted is supposed to be a medieval dark fantasy version of Gears of War. And a 'stop & pop' style action game with some minor RPG elements sound like it could have been fun. I like action. I like RPGs. I like cover based ranged combat with brutal melee combat.

Sounds like fun but its shit. No, really. Its total shit. I hate this game so much I'm basing this off of just slogging through the tutorial level and 1st chapters only. Its THAT bad! Hell its so bad I'm not going to bother to talk about the confusing story or the half-baked protagonists you play as. Its SOOO bad I'll never discuss the multiplayer and co-op gameplay cause I can't find anyone to play it on Xbox Live.

I will start by saying that it apes the Gears controls at the barest sense. It has the general idea for cover based action but then for some reason the developers decided that it was enough to have an idea and not to work on it so its playable. The controls are almost non responsive at times, especially when trying to get in & out of cover. Targeting is slow as molasses and melee combat just doesn't work well at all. When your enemies practically dance around your attacks yet smack the crap out of you constantly with no effort it gets frustrating really fast. I'm talking 'rage quit' fast. 'Hurling your controller through your wall into your neighbors condo unit' fast.

The graphics are atrocious too. The man human fighter/melee combatant looks like a bald version of Mr. Bean with more muscles than a Conan-esque warrior. There are times during the 'story cut scenes' I swear to god he has a lazy eye as it looks like he's staring at two things at once. The female elf ranged specialist is no better either. I suppose to someone in their art department she looks 'hot' but she is done up to look like a regular person with 4 leather band-aids holding up her boobs. Oh and depending on the graphical clipping and breakage she may or may not have elf ears at any given time.

The environments are all dull, drab and grey. Once in a great while something looks passible for a current gen game but for the most part it all looks early PS2 graphics. And with bad graphics comes worse collision detection. I shot at their version of a goblin/orc thingy at point blank range, the reticule was red, and still missed. Its not possible. I've had swords swing through the enemies without damaging them but every enemy is a crack shot, doing critical hits all the friggin' time.

Story is just confusing and bland. Voice acting blows. Menu layout is practically non-functional when trying to 'level' the character. Control scheme on the controller just isn't intuitive and you will waste your resources hitting the wrong buttons alot.

I've actually depressed myself writing about this game. And I'm depressing myself more with the realization I will finish this crap fest just out of spite before I remove this game from my library. And how will I remove said offending game?

I'm going to kill it with fire! Its the only way. It needs to die. Its like the upcoming remake/prequel for John Carpenter's The have to burn it to death lest the terror never ends.

Stay away. For the love of Cthulhu stay away!